"You've got a face with a view."

Yesterday was so bad that I took myself out and bought two new scarves. And a couple of shirts. And some pants. And some air freshener. And a chicken sandwich.

I was a bundle of anxious energy and nerves this morning at the thought of returning to work--the source of all the angst yesterday. I was making myself sick.

As all this is happening, today was the last day of my summer class. Three different students came up and spoke to me privately before they left about how much they loved the class and my teaching style and, as one put it, warmth.

It felt a little like they knew I particularly needed to hear it today.

Cream of the crop

Despite all the time that has gone by, I am still conscious of the 24th of each month, and I know I am the only one who is. It hurts to feel easily forgotten.

In spite of the way things played out, I know that had Paul and I moved to Spain when we were planning to, our time there would be coming to an end. It is terrifying that I was so ready to walk away from my entire life but, on the other hand, I always knew I would be. I can't say that I won't be again.

In spite of my fear I am once again hopeful. It is too early to tell if I am living in a fantasy again.

I turn off my alarm.
I think. I imagine.
I eat my breakfast.
I go to work.
I drink my coffee.
I wait. And count down.
I answer my emails.
I wait. I wonder what if...
I drive home in silence because my head is roaringly loud.
I greet my parrots.
I wait. Often not in vain. But I hate that I wait. It makes me feel powerless.

Springs eternal

I've always dreaded and feared the moment when it starts to become important. This is the transition from "This is nice," to "I really want this." This is the time when I become vulnerable. This is the time when some of the power is taken away and placed into someone else's hands, and it is terrifying. But no matter how many times hope has been beaten down it blossoms again

To love you back

Him: When I was a boy, there was a girl about 4 years younger than me named Amber who had been in love with me since before she could talk. I always thought she was a shy girl but she was not shy. She was heartstricken with me, and I was too young to love her back.

Her: When I was leaving Richmond and moving to San Francisco, there was a guy I hardly knew who showed up to my going away party 3 nights before I was to leave. I'd only been introduced to him once, and the other times I'd seen him he was a silent presence at a table full of noisy friends. He showed up alone to my party and sat down next to me. I was startled to see him, and said tactlessly, "Maki! What are you doing here?" He said simply, "I came to find you. I thought you might want someone to move to San Francisco with you. I'll go whenever you're ready." I was completely taken aback. I kissed his cheek and told him gently, "I have someone that I'm going with," because at the time I did. His face fell, and after that night I never saw him again.

I want

E: In my own case, the feeling manifests as a call to something ancient, it feels like, in my marrow...I want to chant the saga of my fathers and their fathers before them, I want to carve my own tale on the pages of the world and shout a battle cry into a wall of enemy shields; I want to slay giants and woo the noblewomen of Faerie...I want to shout at the stars that I exist, and call on the gods to witness my deeds, and at the end of it all, I want my own people to sing of me for generations.


A: I want to tell my younger self that I will make it far away from him. I want to tell her not to wish the seconds and minutes and hours and days and weeks and months and years away. I want to tell her not to trust her mother no matter how tempting it is. I want to tell her she is worth it. I want to tell her that she deserves better and to never forget it, even when it feels like she won't get it.

No one does it like you.

(But I tried so hard.)

Just talking to her

Some days, like today

I have so much pent-up sexual energy it feels like there is a constant porn film playing in the background of my head. Good God. Is this what it's like to be a man?

Snippets

"I don't want you to hate me," he said, stifling a sob. I put my arms around him.

"I don't hate you," I replied. "I love you."

* * * * * *

"Why can't you talk to ME!?" she shouted. "What kind of crazy fuck goes to a shrink?!"

* * * * * *

"You need to fight for yourself. Fight for yourself like I know you would fight for me," she said tearfully.

* * * * * *

"Even after all those years and all those hard times, my heart still beat faster when I heard his footsteps on the stairs," she said, a far-off look in her eyes.

* * * * * *

"I'm leaving him and he knows I'm leaving him," she typed to me.

* * * * * *

"I think it would be really something to know you," she said shyly, standing at the entrance of my cubicle.

* * * * * *

"I came to see you," he corrected. "I know you're moving to San Francisco and I thought you might like someone to go with you." Hope was written on his face.

"I have someone I'm going with," I said gently. His face fell.

* * * * * *

"I know it sounds boring, but I think it's the boring things I remember most," he said wistfully.

* * * * * *

"When I'm with you I remember things better and when I look at you it feels like home," she cried desperately. "You can't go!"

Tonight

Tonight I'm singing the blues in dark, smoky jazz club. I will saunter across the stage as my voice reaches out to the lonely souls in the room. In between songs I'll toss back some whiskey--it adds to the sultry, huskiness of my voice--and tell stories of loss and longing. Then with a nod of my head, the band behind me will strike up the next song, and we will play late into the night.

Or, I could just do laundry.

10 things that are true.

1. It means a lot that she still writes to me.
2. I can't open that box.
3. I tried to take care of you.
4. I didn't take care of myself.
5. I miss having a grandpa.
6. She inspired me to sign up.
7. I am intimidated by the suddenness.
8. I can't stop imagining horrific crashes of cars and planes when I drive.
9. She walked across the bridge with me to help me feel less afraid.
10. French onion Sun Chips are best.

It will be like AA...

...only different! I feel liberated.