December 12, 2017

I just read this quote about Prince's song "If I Was Your Girlfriend" (which I'm not even sure that I've heard):

This is an amazing song about intimacy, fantasy, the limits of gender roles, the limits of gender flexibility, a man's full catalog of shortcomings and possibilities. This is also a breakup song, about heartbreak and desperation. It's a song about a man putting the pieces of the past together and hoping they can add up to something more than they were.

                                                          - Tim Carmody

And now I am totally crying at work and I'm not completely sure why.

May 26, 2017


Anxiety:  Something's not right.

Me:  What do you mean?

Anxiety:  Something's wrong.

Me:  Where?  How?

Anxiety:  DOOM!

Me:  Can  you at least give me a hint?

Anxiety:  Sonething's not right.

May 20, 2017

My body wash smells like hope (redux)

From 2/18/17 1:03am

I just turned 40, and it was less traumatic than I expected. I am conscious, though, that I have been living in survival mode for about a decade now and I want the next decade to be different. I grew up not far from here but always wanted to leave. After living in other places for 15 years, life has brought me back this way. Now I find myself in a staunchly red state and I am blue, blue, blue.

I miss the kind of writing I used to do when I was younger and had more time for navel-gazing--I'd just open a vein and bleed out onto the page. Now that ability is trapped under adult responsibilities.

I miss the kind of friendships I had when I was younger and could spend endless hours conversationally exploring over drinks

Those oceans are still in me, but now there is no one to navigate them with.

May 9, 2016

I guess I'm always hoping that you'll end this reign.

Everyone in my house is in bed. I'm sitting in the dark listening to "Synchronicity" by the Police. Whenever I hear any of these songs, I am instantly transported to 1984 and that old red house at 407 S. Chestnut Street, listening to Jim blast this album with that velvet picture of the devil on the toilet hanging on the wall.

At any given moment, some part of me is always in that house.

April 7, 2016

And she does.

When I was very young, my mom was single. She was in early 20s, in and out of relationships, melodramatic, and emotional. I adored her.

When we would Drive around in her baby blue Firebird, she would crank up the radio and sing--especially to Journey and to David Bowie's "Space Oddity."  I came to know the words to the songs, and wanted to sing along, too.

"Stop singing!" she would snap, sometimes with great irritation. "I can't hear the song!" 

When I got a little older, she would complain that I couldn't carry a tune and was ruining the song for her. It hurt my feelings tremendously. I remember thinking even way back then that I would let my little girl sing as much as she wanted.

32 years later I have a little girl. A mini-me. And sing she does.

She stands in the yard and sings joyfully at the top of her lungs. She sings heartfelt, original lyrics with great passion into a microphone in the middle of the living room. She sings "Skin-a-marinkey-dinky-dink" from the backseat as we are driving around town with the windows rolled down. She sings lovingly to her Blue Blankey.

Unfortunately she has my voice and can't carry a tune in a bucket, but I love complete lack of self-consciousness and pure joy when she sings.

November 12, 2015

And Greek olives.

 A (surveying the interior of the refrigerator with dismay):  Ivan, you're messing up my refrigerator door organization. The Sriracha goes on the international shelf. And--look--you have all of the salad dressing over here. This should be on the American shelf with the mustard and ketchup and mayonnaise.

I: The "international" shelf?

A: Yes. See? With the tahini and soy sauce and fish sauce. 

I: Organizing the refrigerator like this is…

A:  ...lost on you?

I: Useless.

September 25, 2015

On lovies

Sophie: I put Blue Blankey in my mouth. I go to hospital and doctor have to take it out of me and I have Blue Blankey again.

I realized she was describing the extraction of Blue Blankey from her surgically.

Amie: Why would you put Blue Blankey in your mouth?

Sophie: I just like him a lot.