Blink code

[to Ivan] If I’m ever in a position where I can’t move and can only communicate with my eyes, help me sent up a code! With blinking. And I will do the same for you.

1999-2000

If I could live any year of my life over again, I would repeat July 1999 - June 2000. I was 22 years old, had just graduated college, and was moving into my very first apartment in Richmond, VA to start grad school. I was broke, but I was in love, excited about life, and just getting started.

On lovies

Sophie: I put Blue Blankey in my mouth. I go to hospital and doctor have to take it out of me and I have Blue Blankey again.

I realized she was describing the extraction of Blue Blankey from her surgically.

Amie: Why would you put Blue Blankey in your mouth?

Sophie: I just like him a lot.

Fighting words

"The front door's open.  You don't have to make a scene."

Sergeant Pepper Taught the Band to Play

Twenty years ago today.  Can you believe it?  I don't feel old enough to have fallen in love for the first time twenty years ago today.

October 24, 1992.  It feels like the day life as I know it began.  Thank you for that.  They are happy memories for me.

Room for me in your internal world

I found the poem we both forgot you wrote for me.

Sometimes I wish
I could sink deep down
into you
into your subconscious
and touch those parts of you
that bring tears to your eyes
and flight to your heart

I never feel as close to you
as when you are scared

How I long to fall just a little bit,
to dance out of the lines and stray from the light,
But I fear that to fall in love with you
is to fall from a great and gruesome height

- Dar Williams

For poorer

On the positive side, she thought, you really get to know someone when you have spent some time broke with them.  When there's no money for restaurants and bars and trips you have to be more resourceful about having fun.  Small things--like soy sauce to go on top of the plain white rice--seem like luxuries.  You get good at amusing each other for free.  She had known those things already, but she'd learned something new with this period of poverty.  She had learned what it was like to have someone steal food for her.  The profound gratitude and loyalty she felt when he returned with something to eat and physically put it into her hands when she was hungry and humble and vulnerable...well, that was new to her.  A lot of people didn't understand a lot of things about their relationship, to be sure, and this was one more that not many would comprehend.  But to her loving someone meant nourishing them with food, and when he opened his bag and pulled out what he managed to find, she wasn't sure if she had ever been loved more.

Be careful what you wish for.

On Monday, Ivan and I were having a bad day.  We've faced some pretty serious financial setbacks lately, and the stress of them added to having a new baby is really...hard.

I have been considering whether I should leave San Francisco and return to the east coast.  The toughest thing about it is that Sophia and I would be returning alone.  Ivan would not be joining us.  But other than him, there really is very little left for me here.  Most of my friends are gone.  I have been feeling terribly alone and lonely and isolated for quite some time.  And the cost of living that I managed to keep up with before is killing me.

When I look at how my life has changed in the last 3 1/2 years for the worse, it all leads back to Sept. 18, 2008 for me.  I still can't believe how one man could take so much from me in one night:  my power, my self-confidence and self-worth.  I just can't find them again.  And finding them again while struggling for basic survival at the moment is proving nearly impossible.

I read a Postsecret postcard awhile back that made me weep in sharp recognition:

Anyway, back to the bad day on Monday.  I was anxious and distraught and afraid.  I sat outside on the front steps while Ivan was inside with his sister and Sophia napped in the bedroom.  I closed my eyes and wished for something to happen to provide me with clarity.  I was trying to figure out how I could leave the person I love--and my baby's father--in order to try to make a new life somewhere else.  And to make it even worse, I would not be leaving from a place of strength.  I would be leaving because I am fucking broken.

In my irrationality, I imagined that a natural disaster like an earthquake would absolutely fucking shake things up--help me put them in perspective.  Despite feeling a little superstitious, I wished for it to happen.  I closed my eyes and wished it intensely.  I felt desperate for anything that might help me make this gut-wrenching decision.

Ten minutes later I was inside changing the baby and arguing with Ivan again when the oven caught on fire in the kitchen.  Ivan and Natasha tried to put it out, but it only got worse.  I heard Natasha say from the kitchen, "Get out.  Get out now!" and I grabbed my baby and we were the first ones out the door.  The smoke filled up the house so fast that we couldn't even get a baby blanket.  Natasha was on the phone with 911 while smoke billowed out of our windows.  Approaching sirens screamed while I curled myself around Sophia to keep her warm and covered her ears from the noise.

I felt guilty for the wish I'd made.

I sat on a nearby stoop while a crowd of neighbors and other passersby gathered and stared.  Three fire trucks blocked the intersection and the firemen rushed in.  I felt miserable and afraid as I held onto Sophia and crooned softly to her.  In my mind I was asking myself:  "Is this it? Is it time to go?"  I saw Ivan looking at me and knew that he knew what I was thinking.

We are now safe and back in our house.  There was minimal damage, but the damage we did have has only added to our financial burden.  I'm not sure that the fire provided the clarity I wished for, but it did sink me a little further.

I feel weak.  And terrified.  And terribly alone.  Where is the girl who arrived here in 2005 with such courage and hope and a 'fuck-it-I'll-make-it-work-somehow' attitude?  I need her now.

The nature of the universe

Me:  I have a question for you.

Ivan (with his back to me at the computer):  Okay.

Me:  It's just something I was thinking about last night and it occurred to me that I didn't know how you would answer the question.

Ivan:  Okay.

Me:  And all you need to give is a yes/no answer.  I'm not trying to force you into a conversation about this.  I just want to know fundamentally what you believe.

Ivan:  Okay...

Me:  Do you believe in predestination?

Ivan (turns around):  What the fuck...?

Me:  You know, fate.  That we're all traveling down the road we were meant to travel.  Everything's laid out for us.  Can you boil down 'yes' or 'no' whether you believe in that or not?

(What followed was his half hour long thoughtful, off-the-cuff articulation of his views on predestination, the existence of God, and the nature of the universe while I listened.)

Me:  (pauses)  You know, I forgot that about you.

Ivan:  (raises his eyebrows inquisitively)

Me:  I forgot how you can TALK like that.  You explain yourself so well and you're so thoughtful.  I fell in love with you while you were doing that.  I forget that you can do it because we get bogged down in these mundane conversations about going to work and the baby and what's going on today.  I just forgot how much I love to listen to you.

Ivan:  (ducks his head shyly and laughs)

Alone again or...

Yeah, said it's all right
I won't forget
All the times I've waited patiently for you
And you'll do just what you choose to do
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

Yeah, I heard a funny thing
Somebody said to me
You know that I could be in love with almost everyone
I think that people are
The greatest fun
And I will be alone again tonight my dear

* * *

The lost cause of words walks away with my nerves
'Cause I'm gay as a choir boy for you

* * *

You are so hot.
I would like to steal your digits
And I am so hung up on it
I would like to move away from it.

* * *

Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop
Talking to me

* * *

I want a bit part in your life.
A walk-on would be fine.
I just want a bit part in your life
(A bit part in your life)

I want a bit part in  your life
Rehearsing all the time
I just want a bit part in your life
(A bit part in your life)

Little more than a cameo
Nothing traumatic when I go

* * *

(You know who you are.)

With credits to Love, Two Gallants, Modest Mouse, Foster the People, and the Lemonheads, respectively.

Praise you

You have no idea I'm writing this.  In fact, it's entirely possible you'll never read it unless I purposefully send you to this blog entry.  We have been together nearly 1 3/4 years, and god knows we have had some turbulent times when I didn't think we could or would make it.  We are working so hard on our relationship because we love each other and we want to make it.  I try to make a point of telling you the things I appreciate about you, and here are some things that I am incredibly grateful for that you deserve to hear.  I probably couldn't say them aloud without my voice breaking.

1.  When I make something for you to eat, be it a can of soup or a stew I worked on for hours, you never fail to earnestly thank me for it.

2.  Every single day you are at work you call me to hear my voice, even just for a minute.

3.  You love my birdies and are good to them.

4.  Nearly every day you tell me that I am beautiful, even if I just woke up and I know perfectly well my hair is sticking out in all directions.

5.  After we lost our first baby and I was devastated, I was angry at everything.  Even when I was irrationally furious with you for having a healthy child when I did not, you didn't get mad at me.  You held me.

6.  You pour me a cup of coffee every morning even though I am perfectly capable of doing it myself.

7.  When you taste something delicious, your first reaction is to share it with me.

8.  You tell me your dreams when you wake up, and you listen to mine.

9.  Sometimes you fall asleep holding my hand.

10.  You never make me feel bad for the seemingly endless things I feel unable to do at the moment.  Instead, you reassure me and walk around all the things left undone.  This is a constant source of relief.

- end of sap -

The spotless mind

Joel: I can't see anything that I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will. You know, you will think of things. And I'll get bored with you and feel trapped because that's what happens with me.
Joel: Okay.
Clementine: [pauses] Okay.

It's amazing...

...the things that go through your mind when someone has their hands around your neck and is squeezing. For me, it was, "I do not want this television to be the last thing I see."

Comfort

I: I might not be the smartest motherfucker. I might not be the prettiest motherfucker. I might be a hairy motherfucker. But I'm your motherfucker. And you're mine.

Lullabye

He knew how I needed to be loved.

The remains of the day

All in all, today can suck my left nut. There are a few things worth mentioning, however.

As he does most every weekend, Darius spent the night with us. This morning when he found me crying over an email I had received, he studied my face, reached up and touched a tear that trickled down my cheek, and then hugged me. It is really something to be loved by a child.

This evening, a very thoughtful friend asked to knit a hat for the baby after I'd mentioned how much I enjoy looking at the little owl and hedgehog hats on Etsy.com. She said she couldn't promise it would be without flaws, fit a newborn, or even resemble a woodland creature, but that she was up for the challenge. Her kindness meant so much to me, and I (shocker!) cried again. (I have to meet my hormonal quota of at least 27 cries per day, after all.)

During my recent bouts of insomnia, I have been enjoying listening to music on Playlist.com as I catch up on reading friends' blogs; research pregnancy, health, and nutrition; and generally sit in the dark basking in the glow of the computer. At present I sit here listening to Alice Cooper's "Poison." I am taken back to a very specific summer day around 1990 when I sat in the bathtub shaving my legs ankle to hip and singing along with that song on a mix-tape I'd made off the radio.

I want to love you but I better not touch
I want to hold you but my senses tell me to stop
I want to kiss you but I want it too much
I want to taste you but your lips are venomous poison...

I remember thinking how terribly exciting such sensations sounded to my 13 year old ears, and imagining the the best kind of love was like that: desperate, wild, clinging.

I was so wrong.

It is a partner who knows *exactly* how you like your coffee and makes it for you every morning. It is snuggles and sleepy murmurs of 'I love you' under the covers in the middle of the night. It is someone who always washes the dishes for you. It is the person with whom I can spontaneously burst into singing Kool & the Gang's "Joanna."

This. This is the best kind.

Askew, aflutter, and awash

I'm nearly dizzy with delight today.

We made some family planning decisions last night, and my brain can barely focus on the smaller details of my daily grind as it tries to wrap itself around these huge things. I think I'll keep the specific details private at this time (I know! You're not used to that, are you?), but I am lost somewhere between excitement and terror as I think about what I want to do and how I want to take care of myself before it's time to start trying. My brain keeps saying, "This might be your last August 27 as a non-parent!" and "This could be the last Christmas before you turn in to 1/2 of Santa Claus!"

How do people do this?

The unmentionables

I know you love me. You murmur it into my ear and against my hair when you are unconscious with sleep. So why can I not help but clam up when you ask me to tell you what I am feeling?

Maybe it is because we are still learning our ways around one another. Maybe it's because no one ever really wanted to hear these things and I'm not used to it. Maybe it is because I worry that if you know my true fears and worries, you won't want me anymore.

Know that when my lips are silent, my head is loud.

Enough

I would like to get to the bottom of why I feel abandoned over the slightest things.

I can see it now. I will be the reason.