July 30, 2009

Another message I received that made me smile

Why are strangers messaging me? If they say stuff like this, though, I can't complain:

Your smile is off the charts. You may get that same comment from everyone since they can all see those pics. People who smile that sincerely get you all twisted up trying to think of new ways to make them smile.

July 27, 2009

A MySpace message

"i have a hard time expressing myself, pretty much all of the time, if there's no music involved. but your list of movies and books really makes me want to spend months in a large, comfy, bed-like area with you. maybe one day."

July 26, 2009

The ethical slut

I'm having one of those days when I feel the inner conflict of pent-up, raging restlessness and complete fatigue. Part of me says LET'S GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE AND GO PICK STRAWBERRIES/TAKE A WALK/TAKE A DRIVE/BUY A BIKE PUMP and the rest of me is like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! SHUT YER FACE AND TAKE A NAP! Mostly I need to clean my house. Mostly I want to have sex all day. YES I JUST WENT THERE.

N. recommends I borrow Bree's "The Ethical Slut" and then sleep with a lot of people.

According to my shrink, now that my moods are under control and no longer the primary drivers of every single thing that I do and think, I am free to listen to other urges and drives in my body. The confusion I feel is because I'm not used to how to navigate with these new needs running the show.

Yesterday I confided my mixed relationship and sexual urges to S. I really wanted to talk to a man about them. He listened patiently and then said simply, "You're turning into a dude." Then we proceeded to have the worst mixed drink in the world and to watch the worst movie in the world and still managed to laugh all evening.

On the avoidance of cluster-fucks

When I was a kid, I used to dig up flower bulbs and re-plant them all around the yard. I loved the surprise of flowers popping up at random intervals around the lawn instead of in the neat little clusters that everyone else seemed to like.

July 25, 2009

Inner rooms

"You are as much a real person as you are deep. As with the depths of a diamond, the interior is twice as important as the surface. There are people who are all facade, like a house left unfinished when the funds run out. They have the entrance of a palace but the inner rooms of a cottage."

It seems to be true...

...that all men (and women?) want a whore in the bedroom.

Note to self: practice more.

July 23, 2009

Confidential note to T.K.

Turns out it will be sooner than expected! =)

July 22, 2009

Once upon a time

They stood in the dark on their last night together, running their hands over each others' bodies in silence. "You must know I'm falling in love with you," she said softly, her voice cracking with emotion.

"That's a little impractical, don't you think?" he asked quietly.

She covered her face in her hands with hurt and embarrassment and curled into a protective ball.

July 21, 2009

My 43 things

There is a website called www.43things.com where you can make a list of goals for yourself, share them with others, meet people with the same goals, assess your progress, etc. It's kind of fun.

I just came across my list again and thought I'd share it. I've actually done four of these now, although I cannot say which ones...

take a last-minute trip somewhere (anywhere)
go somewhere naked under a trench-coat
learn Spanish
swim in the Blue Grotto
figure out where my home is
publish a short story
go to the cafe in Prague where you throw stale rolls at people
take singing lessons
go hang-gliding
wave from such great heights
see a fjord in Norway
establish a more consistent sleep schedule
move away from it
treat myself to some Brown Sugar Body Polish
make a chocolate souffle
go easier on myself
record my dreams more often
take a hot air balloon ride
drink another lemon freeze in Capri
be able to smell my grandmother's house again
get one of my postcard secrets on the PostSecret website
drink more water
visit Kyoto
feed fish from my bungalow above the water in Fiji
stop letting fear guide my decisions
learn to make great hot rolls
visit the Red Square in Moscow
stop censoring what I say
see the northern lights
make a little personalized box
keep all the little lists I stuff in my bags and pockets
put my blow-torch to good use
get better at de-seeding pomegranates by spanking them
remember that I still have the capacity to surprise myself

July 19, 2009

Screw this day!

I've had a surprisingly bad day for a Sunday.

The elderly lady I visit for my new part-time job doesn't really like me, and asked me to leave.

I just found out my fall class got canceled because of budget cutbacks.

Next I'll likely find out my car has been stolen or we'll have a giant earthquake. Maybe both.

*grumble grumble*

July 14, 2009


Dave's instructions for the "Mac 'n' Cheese Off" our book club is having while in Tahoe next month:

Mac 'n' cheese contest:

1) Make mac 'n' cheese
2) Eat mac 'n' cheese
3) Discuss mac 'n' cheese, potentially coming up with a favorite
4) Award prizes

All recipes must contain: 1) macaroni; 2) cheese. Any and all additions to the big two are acceptable.


For Emma, forever ago

With all your lies,
You're still very lovable.

I toured a light
So many foreign roads
For Emma, forever ago.

July 9, 2009

"You've got a face with a view."

Yesterday was so bad that I took myself out and bought two new scarves. And a couple of shirts. And some pants. And some air freshener. And a chicken sandwich.

I was a bundle of anxious energy and nerves this morning at the thought of returning to work--the source of all the angst yesterday. I was making myself sick.

As all this is happening, today was the last day of my summer class. Three different students came up and spoke to me privately before they left about how much they loved the class and my teaching style and, as one put it, warmth.

It felt a little like they knew I particularly needed to hear it today.

July 1, 2009

Cream of the crop

Despite all the time that has gone by, I am still conscious of the 24th of each month, and I know I am the only one who is. It hurts to feel easily forgotten.

In spite of the way things played out, I know that had Paul and I moved to Spain when we were planning to, our time there would be coming to an end. It is terrifying that I was so ready to walk away from my entire life but, on the other hand, I always knew I would be. I can't say that I won't be again.

In spite of my fear I am once again hopeful. It is too early to tell if I am living in a fantasy again.

I turn off my alarm.
I think. I imagine.
I eat my breakfast.
I go to work.
I drink my coffee.
I wait. And count down.
I answer my emails.
I wait. I wonder what if...
I drive home in silence because my head is roaringly loud.
I greet my parrots.
I wait. Often not in vain. But I hate that I wait. It makes me feel powerless.

Springs eternal

I've always dreaded and feared the moment when it starts to become important. This is the transition from "This is nice," to "I really want this." This is the time when I become vulnerable. This is the time when some of the power is taken away and placed into someone else's hands, and it is terrifying. But no matter how many times hope has been beaten down it blossoms again

To love you back

Him: When I was a boy, there was a girl about 4 years younger than me named Amber who had been in love with me since before she could talk. I always thought she was a shy girl but she was not shy. She was heartstricken with me, and I was too young to love her back.

Her: When I was leaving Richmond and moving to San Francisco, there was a guy I hardly knew who showed up to my going away party 3 nights before I was to leave. I'd only been introduced to him once, and the other times I'd seen him he was a silent presence at a table full of noisy friends. He showed up alone to my party and sat down next to me. I was startled to see him, and said tactlessly, "Maki! What are you doing here?" He said simply, "I came to find you. I thought you might want someone to move to San Francisco with you. I'll go whenever you're ready." I was completely taken aback. I kissed his cheek and told him gently, "I have someone that I'm going with," because at the time I did. His face fell, and after that night I never saw him again.