December 25, 2009


Christmas festivities included:

- As previously reported, champagne, sleeping pills (and, hence, sleep)

- Counting the number of times I kissed beaks today (like, 10)

- Vietnamese spring rolls (4)

- Shaving my legs as my gift to myself (took 2 razors! Fuck.)

- Traveling between three grocery stores at 12:15am trying to do my grocery shopping. Number of grocery stores closed = 3

- Drinking at a local dive in order to be around people (number of drinks = 4)

- Observing folks playing frisbee in the street in my neighborhood (3)

- Tallying the types of candy my mom sent me in my stocking (7)

- Watching popes being knocked down by crazy women (1)

- Playing scrabble online with Facebook friends (4)

- Attempting to make a purchase at local pharmacies that had been robbed (1)

- Noting a live Christmas tree that was already thrown out on the sidewalk (1)

- Singing "Crimson and Clover" while driving myself around town looking at Christmas lights (number of times sung approximately = 6 1/2)

- Counting the number of times spent feeling sorry for myself for being alone at Christmas (842)

December 24, 2009


To celebrate my first Christmas alone I will toast with champagne and sleeping pills.

Ho, ho, ho!

December 23, 2009


When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twist to their faces.

The man who'd introduced them didn't much like either of them, though he acted as if he did, anxious as he was to preserve good relations at all times. One never knew, after all, now did one now did one now did one.

David Foster Wallace: "A Radically Condensed History of Postindustrial Life"

From: Brief Interviews with Hideous Men

December 22, 2009

Personal history

Holy mother of god.

I spent some time cleaning out my email inbox and I feel like I've relived the last 3 years of my life in about one hour. I should also add that the last 3 years of my life have been chock-full of physical and emotional turmoil.

I found:

Emails from, like, every book club event I've ever attended.
Messages from various (ill-advised) dates I've gone on about where/when to meet up.
Emails I sent to myself when I was trying not to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
Emails from C.
Emails regarding my research on moving to Barcelona and finding work.
Notifications of and condolences for the deaths of various friends and family members.
Emails regarding job search resources from when I finished my postdoc.
Announcements of 6 Birds Cards.
Messages from friends who--for whatever reason--are no longer in my life.
Drafts of writings I did during turbulent times.

2010 has to be better. It just has to be.

December 15, 2009

The bright forever

There was a time when I loved Raymond Wright. Nothing that happened can change that fact. I'm not even sure I'd trade it if I could. Don't ask me. Just know there are days when you thank your lucky stars, when the world doesn't seem quite so old and used up. I lay in bed those mornings and listened to the martins singing. Sing, sing, sing--just like Mama said, all over God's heaven. Now these last summers--my last summers--when I hear them, I think back to those mornings, Ray in bed beside me, and my heart balls up so tight I can't tell what's love and what's misery. It's all the same, always will be. That's what I'd tell those girlie-girls now if I could somehow travel back to that afternoon at Brookstone Manor--that lazy afternoon when one of them said, "God," not like a prayer but like there wasn't a thing left to surprise her. I'd tell her there's always something around the corner, no matter how old you get, no matter how much you're sure you've got a handle on things. Sooner or later you live long enough--I hope that girlie-girl got the chance--and the love and the heartache get all mixed up, and that's what you've got....

That's the way it was, always will be. Nothing we can do to make it different. It's a story now, and stories have endings even when you don't know--fools like me--that you're already in the middle of one, and you're already making choices....Choices that will bring you to places you never thought you'd be, places in your heart you'll mourn the rest of your life.

Lee Martin, The Bright Forever

December 9, 2009

New depths

You know you've hit a new low when you're in bed with a bottle of Vicodin and a box of chocolate, using a pair of clean underwear as a handkerchief, and crying every time you think about going back to work--even though you still have four days off.

December 2, 2009

Even though you are far away...

Ah, Mary S. I love you. I can't believe we weren't friends in high school. You saved me tonight.

December 1, 2009

The day only rain boots would do

I've always sort of had this thing for ugly rubber rain boots. It all started with a pair of red, rubber Mickey Mouse boots I had when I was a kid. I liked to weather them in all types of weather in all seasons, and preferred them with shorts. The rain boots and I were inseparable until one ill-fated day when I decided they were not only good for wearing, but also for transporting dirt. This had the unfortunately consequence of making my feet absolutely filthy any time I wore them from that point forward and--after days of muddy feet--my rain boots mysteriously disappeared. My mother denied any involvement, but even then I had my suspicions.

This love continued into adulthood, and for a few years I owned a hideous pair of green, lavender, and blue striped rain boots. For reasons I won't go into at this time, they are no longer in my possession. I have felt their absence for at least a year now.

I am having a difficult time at the moment, and in the last 24 hours I've had three panic attacks. Nothing can seem to alleviate my wild dread and anxiety. Today I sit in my office nearly immobilized. I cannot answer my emails. I cannot check my phone messages even though the little red light is blinking. I cannot seem to care about any of the things I have to do. When I went to the restroom, I seriously contemplated barricading myself in the bathroom and screaming, but decided against it. I don't really know what to do for myself right now, but while sitting at my desk the idea occurred to me. Rain boots.

It turns out has an amazing selection. I added several colorful pairs to my wish list and admired the many options until I found them. The perfect rain boots. MY rain boots.

So I ordered them.