August 28, 2009

Written on the body

My very first boyfriend--and the first person I ever kissed--just got in touch with me and it was a very interesting experience. We spent time reminiscing about how young and silly we were in the 9th and 10th grade, and who we went on to date after we broke up. I told him I cried for days after he broke up with me, and he apologized. He said, "If I'd know then what I know now..." We talked about our lives since that time of innocence. It really made my day.

On another note...

At work we have a $300 "personal development fund" that has to be used by the end of our fiscal year, August 31. I hadn't used mine yet, so I quickly scheduled a Swedish massage, facial, and seaweed body wrap for Monday after work.

I never get to fully indulge.

August 25, 2009

Dear Future Me

Awhile back I wrote about accidentally sending myself a message of love and comfort. Well, today at work my lovely friend S.C. told me about a wonderful website called on which you can send letters to yourself to be delivered in the future.

I love this.

I have been inundated today with thoughts about what to tell my future self and when to tell it. Do I remind myself of my secrets wishes, desires, and plans? Do I warn myself against certain possible future actions? Do I reassure myself that--no matter what is happening at that point in the future--I am going to be okay? The possibilities are endless.

August 19, 2009


Happy birthday to you (wherever you are).

Lack of subtlety

I was so furious with my alarm clock this morning when it went off. I angrily told it that it had no sense of subtlety as I slammed my hand down on top of it in my half comatose state. I want an alarm clock that will rub my back and whisper softly in my ear that it is time to get up.

August 13, 2009


J.D.: "We're not lovers."

L.L.: "Ooh, that word bums me out unless it's between the words 'meat' and 'pizza.'"

"Our mother should have just named you..."

Laika was a Soviet space dog (c. 1954 – November 3, 1957) who became the first mammal to orbit the Earth and the first orbital death. Little was known about the impact of space flight on living things at the time Laika's mission was launched. Some scientists believed humans would be unable to survive the launch or the conditions of outer space, so engineers viewed flights by non-human animals as a necessary precursor to human missions...Laika, a stray, underwent training with two other dogs, and was eventually chosen as the occupant of the Soviet spacecraft Sputnik 2 that was launched into outer space on November 3, 1957. Sputnik 2 was not designed to be retrievable, and Laika had always been intended to die.

August 12, 2009

A partial list

On the way home from work today, I felt the panic rising in me rapidly. In an attempt to head off a full-blown panic attack, I told myself all the reasons I could think of that I was feeling freaked out. Some are bigger than others. This is an incomplete list of what I said out loud in my car.

You're freaked out because... hate your job and there's no end in sight. is so tight and there's no end in sight.'re afraid you'll never get out of San Francisco.'re afraid you'll leave San Francisco and then regret it.'re afraid of a big earthquake that will cause you to die in San Francisco. like him and that's terrifying.'re afraid if he finds out you're freaked out he'll be freaked out.'re afraid to meet his friends. many of the people you've loved most in the world are dead. might never be the same again. might never be the same again.'re afraid you'll never run again.'re afraid you'll never run in a race again. anticipate dealing with S. leaving again. might always be grossed out by cooking fish. haven't renewed the registration on your car yet.'re overdue for an oil change. can't. get. enough. sleep. spent your lunch break asleep in your car on yet another day. can't seem to stay awake while driving. need more and more coffee for minimal functioning.'re afraid you've lost your friend M. don't have any contact with your brothers. aren't making greeting cards.
...your sex drive has dwindled since starting birth control pills again. didn't like the last couple of boxes you made.
...your creativity seems to be gone. one wants to publish your writing. want your Facebook status update to suck a giant dick.'re tired of Tweeting.'re tired.

August 11, 2009

Haiku 35

My hobbies? Uno,
and rejecting folks before
they can reject me.

--Taken from 123 I Love You

August 9, 2009

On love

(I was trying to describe this to a friend and decided to put it here, despite my fears.)

I have found that there are at least two kinds of romantic love. There is the first type which is sweet and lovely and tender. It can sneak up on you. It makes you feel good and warm and safe, like a canoe on a still lake in the summer sunshine.

There is also the second kind. This kind makes you feel wild and desperate for something to cling to in order to keep from drowning, like a piece of driftwood in a turbulent sea. It is shifting and uncertain; it makes you feel insecure and terrified but is somehow still wildly addicting.

Probably there are other kinds and even hybrids of these, but these are the ones I have experienced.

A friend recently asked me which I prefer. At one time I would have been irresistibly curious about the second kind but, having now been there, I have to say the sweet and gentle one is for me. It doesn't make you question who you are. It doesn't make you want to die from agony. It makes you close your eyes and smile. It makes you want to be a better person.

I look like a new woman.

I might have a whole new life next time you see me.

August 4, 2009


My uncle was found dead this evening. I just got off the phone with my family and I'm sitting on my bed trying to think clearly. I can't seem to.

On unrequited love

Man, I was thinking about unrequited love. I figure it's best to just walk that shit off. Find someone else to be excited about. It's like if you love ice cream but your ice cream man friend won't give you any. Maybe he's got a good reason. It cuts into profits. Who knows? But he likes you as a friend and wants to hang out anyway. It just drives you crazy to hang out with that dude, even if he's being reasonable from his point of view. So don't hang out with him. What, you ONLY like ice cream? It's ice cream or nothing? Don't be an asshole. Learn to love donuts.

- Joey Comeau

August 3, 2009

On getting down

I'm noticing some annoying patterns in myself that are getting me in a rut:

1) During the weekdays, I get down in the evenings. Not "get down" as in "get funky" but as in "get depressed." This is true even if I've had a decent day at work. I think it's the drudgery of coming home alone and the fact that I'm not building in enough things for me to look forward to in the evenings.

2) My diet needs some serious revamping because what I eat currently makes me feel like shit. I am currently reading Skinny Bitch that purports to advise you on cutting crap (both overt and covert) out of your diet, including sugar, meat, dairy, and alcohol. It depressed me so much this evening that I had some wine to make me feel better.

I am out of control.