July 30, 2010

Middle is Gold

Yesterday, I picked Ivan up from work and we went to his sister's so I could meet her for the first time. I was certain she was going to hate me and that this would be our last evening together, so I tried to make the most of it. We were in a celebratory mood: we were off work, we were being naughty and going to McDonald's for dinner, and we had beer with us.

As we drove and chatted, I scrolled through my iPod. I was stuck in the "M's" and went back and forth between the Misfits, Marvin Gaye, and Marty Robbins. Suddenly, Mates of State jumped out at me. Oh, I hadn't heard "Middle is Gold" in years! I put it on.

This was the song that I was listening to in Oct.-Nov. 2006 when I was moving out of the apartment with Chris and I was wild with hysteria and terror at what I was about to do. I recited the lines over and over to myself:

You can get only what it is you want!
(It's always the same by and by)

The deja vu was almost more than I could stand. I wanted to cry because I made it. I officially made it out the other side of that tunnel.

Who, can you tell me, who do you love?
You ought to know things will never be the same, boy...

I wanted to try to articulate this to Ivan, but it seemed too complicated. Instead I said, "Oh, my god I love this song." He couldn't have known how much I meant that.

So much gets trapped inside my head that never gets out.

July 28, 2010

Becoming a habit

The normalcy of it all is startling at times.

Two streams are coming together and forging their path as one river, noting the twists and turns and rocky patches along the way.

Or maybe it's a sturdy little boat determined to keep upright despite the surges and currents and the wake of the bigger boats.

July 27, 2010

Lots of details to discern, lots of details

So, yes, big news. Ivan and I will be cohabitating, as T.K. urged me to call it.

I'm not gonna lie: it's a simultaneously scary and exciting development. We realize it might seem crazy to others as we've not even known each other a month yet. I think I am more sensitive to others' perceptions of us than he is.

I'll let you in on a little secret: I'm happy he's the one that suggested this development. I'm not sure that I ever would have no matter how long we were together. I just never wanted to be seen as the whiny girl in a relationship who is always pushing for more, more! (When are we getting married!? What colors do you want to paint the nursery?) I think it may backfire on me sometimes, though, because I end up never pushing for anything.

Maybe that's why I have settled so much.

At my suggestion, we are beginning with a 30 day trial period before he moves all of his stuff in. I felt like we needed an emergency cord to pull just in case. I know we are in for plenty of challenges as we settle in to each others' living space. We're already facing some of them. I, for example, do not understand why the bathroom sink has to turn into a lake each time he uses it. What does he do that requires so much water all over the place? Maybe he has some of these thoughts about me and my habits, but I doubt it. I am very easy to live with...

Okay, I know that sleeping with my fan on makes him nuts. He's also incredulous as to why I never want to pick up the mail that my mail carrier drops through my door slot. One thing we have going for us, though, is the fact that we both squeeze the toothpaste from the top of the tube. (I think this characteristic about me alone made Chris want to scream, and I can understand that.)

My place is tiny. We'll get a larger place down the road with a second bedroom, but for now this is where we're at. I know it won't be easy, but there are so many wonderful things to look forward to. For example, he gets off work a couple hours later than me, and by the time he arrives I am practically jumping out of my skin to see him. I cook more now that there's someone else there to enjoy it with. I like reaching over in the middle of the night to find his warm, sleeping body. I love that we set the alarm a little early each morning so we can spend some time snuggling before facing the day. It fortifies me.

We are silly and excited and looking forward to our future. Please excuse us if we are corny and cheesy and make you gag.

July 23, 2010

And then I cry.

It's easy to forget that there are these nights--these nights that test you and make you wonder if you can really make it work. I think they will come no matter what, but they always scare me and give me a (at least a brief) sense of hopelessness.

"Fear we may come, so run, run, run..."

July 19, 2010

Compliments and thank yous

I think that compliment-giving is a lost art. Receiving them may be as well. I would like to write down some compliments for things folks have done for me recently. The fact that you likely won't know who they are is immaterial.

1. Cricket: you make me laugh when you stick your butt feathers up in the air and dig upside down while grunting. Thank you for being a fool.

2. Security guard at DeLano's at 2am Saturday morning: It was really impressive the way you recognized me in my pajamas with my hair swirling in a tornado around my head while I drank Nyquil from the bottle at the cash register. It really makes me happy to know that that moment is immortalized in someone else's mind forever, in case I ever just want to pretend like it didn't happen.

3. Mom: Thanks for letting me know your boyfriend's penis is 6 inches long. Really. There are no words.

4. Suzie: You are the most enthusiastic steak-finger maker in the history of the world, and I absolutely adore it.

5. Ivan: Thank you for your thoroughness. Holy mother of god.

6. Geico insurance agent: I really liked the way you described in great detail how Mucinex works. Nothing was left to the imagination, and I am grateful for that.

7. Michelle: It makes my day when you eagerly trot back to tell me about the presence of cheesecake, strawberries, tuna sandwiches, and any number of other scrumptious treats that make their way to our desk in the lobby at work. It's nice of you to think of sharing first and foremost.

8. Dude in the cube on the other side of the wall: I've never seen you, but I feel like I know you intimately. I know you have a rash on your inner thigh, are grumpy in the mornings, and like all things Spanish. Thanks for making me feel a part of your life.

The sunset tree

St. Joseph's baby aspirin,
Bartles and James,
and you or your memory.

July 9, 2010

Typically at the phalanges

G: What did you think about today?

A: I thought about whether or not you can "prove" you love someone. I thought about whether or not it was a good idea to wear this strappy sundress on a foggy day, and decided that it was because it makes me happy. I thought about why it is that there are some issues that turn me into an ostrich--putting my head directly into the sand. I thought about the fact that I haven't finished my book yet for tomorrow night's book club, and am I the worst member of the club? I thought about making a list of meals to make for dinner because, without a conscious effort at diversity, I will eat the same thing almost every night. This, in turn, led me to think that I was way overdue for making some homemade mashed potatoes. I thought about issues of privacy and trust, and the the borders where one person begins and another one ends.

G: All noble thoughts. Yes. Yes. I read an article this weekend regarding a similar vein, but it was with food and not issues. That happens, and No. That's a good idea, and, in theory, it is cheaper. mmmm potatoes Typically at the phalanges, but it depends on how you roll ;-)

July 6, 2010

Headin' down to Brazil

Inspired by my friend B's success and relatively minor pain, I've decided to get my first Brazilian bikini wax. Appointment scheduled for Saturday afternoon. This is not a job for Penny, my old Vietnamese waxing friend. I'm paying to go to a nice place. 'Cause I'm skeered.

Awash in the post-taco glow

I know. I'm off living my life and not writing about it. Crazy, huh?

A bus hit me in my car. Still dealing with insurance and, as TK said, some of the organge-y goodness has been squished out of Julius.

On July 3 I passed the five year mark of living in San Francisco. It filled my mind with nostalgia and memories of the day that Chris and I arrived with the moving truck feeling exhausted and wary and anxious. So many things have happened since then. I have fallen into and out of love, gotten jobs, gotten fired, made new friends, lost one friend, lost my two beloved grandparents, traveled, has emotional breakdowns, got help, got lost, got found...and so on.

I have some decisions to make. I keep putting them off, hoping they will get easier.