June 27, 2010


I'm feeling restless and experimental again. God help the world.

June 25, 2010

On anticipation (III)

My house is clean in preparation for a friend coming over to cook dinner with me this evening. I'm wearing a strappy sundress despite the fog and drizzle because I feel rather sunny today.

The day is perfect except for one minor inconvenience...

June 24, 2010

Push the pieces in place

Two-headed boy,
She is all you could need,
She will feed you tomatoes
and radio wire,
And retire to sheets safe and clean,
But don't hate her when she gets up to leave...

June 21, 2010

Despite what at least one of you may be thinking...

...No, I am not pregnant. There's at least one essential activity that has to be taking place for that to occur and--not that it should be publicized here, but will that stop me? No. No it won't--I've not done that for, what? Years? Seems that way.

Lighten up!

June 20, 2010

A personal Father's Day wish

Happy Father's Day to my baby daddy.

You really are the best. It's the little things you do that I adore, you know? When you roll down the window before farting in the car, it makes me love you even more. When you lovingly smack me in the face with your penis as I wake up in the morning, I realize how lucky I am to have you in my life.

I can only hope that little Buddy grows up to be half the man that you are. I look forward to watching you teach him how to secretly look up girls' skirts and to see you serve as his role model for shifting your package while noisily belching in public and calling the dog "Lil' Fucker."

Just thinking of these things makes me want to make more babies with you.

All my love!

June 15, 2010

"There is no Naomi in view..."

"And my emptiness is swollen shut
Always a wretch I have become
So empty
And please, please don't leave me here."

Some of you have been asking where I've been and it warms the cockles of my cold, cold heart to know that I have been missed.

To tell you the truth, I'm doing well. I'm in a period of transition.

I love my new job. I really do. It's not like it's anything spectacular, but it's the normalcy of it that makes me happy. I don't dread getting up in the morning. I don't shake and cringe when my boss calls or stops by. No panic attacks. No tears.

I have been meeting a lot of new people and shedding cracks of light on parts of myself that have been hiding.

I have been taking stock. There are things I'm unhappy with and want to change, and I'm figuring out how to go about that.

I want to purge it all. I want all the weight of the things I've been carrying off of my shoulders.

A perfect example: In the closet of my office I have a bag of stuffed animals that I have been collecting since I was 16 years old. They're animals given to me by Chris or ones that we acquired together. I've loved them dearly for so many reasons--because they represented young love and hope and innocence to name a few. I haven't been able to look at them, but I haven't been able to get rid of them either.

The past is weighing me down.

When Nannette gently suggested it might be time to get rid of them, I welled up immediately. I think it's time for them to go.

I'm looking around all the signs of light and hope in my bedroom--a room which I've adorned with the things I love: lanterns, paper cranes, collage, words--and trying to pull out inspiration and the forms in which it comes.

I have two definitions written on my wall. One is for the word "desiderium": a yearning, specifically for a thing one once had, but has no more. The other is for the word "balter": to dance clumsily.

I'm ready for less desiderium and more balter.

Not so long ago, I mourned to a friend that the people who have loved me most and best are gone, and I don't know how to be. If I continue to lament this and to live in the past, then it will always be this way.

Part of the reason I stayed away from blogging, also, is because some of my thoughts on the things I need to let go of have the capacity to hurt other people--the last thing I want to do. As much as I love having readers, sometimes it's also a curse to have them. I've chosen to keep my thoughts private.

"She comes and goes most afternoons
One billion lovers wave and lover her now
They could love her now
And so could I..."

June 4, 2010

He was well-read, calm, and awkward.

He would run every morning, but only for a mile, which was all he needed to clear his mind. He admired the intricacy of origami. He would write about spaceships on weeknights. He would eat a large breakfast each day, with ice water and herbs. He didn't believe in foreign travel so much as foreign living. He wore jeans everywhere, except weddings, because protocol matters. He smiled easily. He would go to zoos to be sure the animals were taken good care of. He would spend his days golfing with his ideas, sending them into the water, the woods, and the far off sands.

June 3, 2010

Jail doesn't sound that bad.

You're in your room from 11pm - 8am each day (which I already am). Showers, free meals, and hour and a half outside. Visitors for an hour. Hell. This is a better day than I normally have.

I guess I could deal with being somebody's bitch.

June 2, 2010

Back to UCSF

I got me a new job.

Obviously this is good news for financial reasons. Also? It means the living hell of a job I have been in for the last 21 months is over. My god that place made me so unhappy. I miss my co-workers terribly already, though. They made it bearable.

The pay is less than what I was making before, but I was able to negotiate it up a bit. And I won't be paying for gas and all the wear and tear on my car.

But seriously. I am really proud of getting this job because the competition was fierce. On Monday I move into my new office. I will have a Mac desktop and a Macbook laptop and I am a little nervous about figuring out how to use them.

But I am feeling incredibly optimistic.

I am looking forward to morning walks to work--it's about 2.4 miles. No more 2 hours of commuting! I should be able to lose some of the weight I gained during my misery at my last job. In the meantime I am enjoying my week off.

Maybe 2010 is my year after all.