I don't know what it is about late nights that make you feel like you're the only person on the planet. I seem to be getting into a worse and worse sleeping cycle lately and I'm not quite sure how to break it. If I could pick my ideal sleep schedule, it would be 2am-10am, but I can't even seem to get that down right now.
All I know is that being inside my own head can get really fucking old. Damn. Sometimes I get lost in it's cavernous innards and have a hard time getting back out. I'm always finding new shit I didn't know about in there: stalactites (as my earth science professor used to say, "The ones that 'hold tight' to the ceiling."), stalagmites ("The ones that 'might' someday reach the ceiling."), bats, pools of water, fish without eyes...
Where the fuck was I going with all this?
I had an interaction yesterday that I can't stop thinking about. I was on my way to a meeting at work, and I ran into a senior researcher that I really like. She's very well-established in her area, and is extremely intelligent, articulate, and clear-headed. I always feel a little guilty when I see her now, because months ago she reviewed a manuscript for me that I'm supposed to be publishing and I haven't yet finished and submitted it. (I only have moderately good reasons for this. Mostly I just can't seem to care.) I was glad to see her, though, and told her I heard she was retiring soon.
Her candor surprised me.
"Well, I'm getting divorced."
"Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that," I said, not knowing what else to say.
"And I'm getting married. I fell in love!" she beamed, proudly holding out her left hand to show me her ring.
"Oh!" I gasped, "Congratulations!"
"So I'm retiring. He's recently retired, and we want to travel. How are you, Amie? I haven't seen you in awhile and I've wondered about you."
This is where I hesitated. Part of me wanted to cry out triumphantly, "You're completely irrational sometimes, too!" Part of me wanted to tell her every little thought that has run through my brain over the last several months. Part of me wanted to tell her that I'm freaked out because I'm supposed to be starting to look for a real job now and, as recently as today, I've considered everything from going to pastry school to going to bartending school to disappearing somewhere in Spain to pursuing another doctorate to taking up Chinese brush painting. Part of me just wanted to go home after considering all these options.
Instead, I said that I'd love to talk to her more about what was going on in her life and tell her what was going on in mine. I always liked talking to her because, even though I've only interacted with her in a work environment, I've always felt very comfortable and natural talking to her about all aspects of my life. So now I'm supposed to contact her to set up a coffee or a lunch to sit and talk. And at the moment I feel frozen, because I don't know which Amie will be showing up for that appointment. The professional one who talks the talk? The happy and crazy one that feels like "What the hell?" is the right answer to everything right now? The uncertain one who feels she is about to be overwhelmed by life at any given moment? "
An Amie that was well-rested would be a nice start, I guess.
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