Horoscope

"Your life will soon lose all direction, which, considering how it has been going, should come as a vast relief."

If I ever leave this world alive

She said, "I'm okay. I'm alright.
Though you have gone from my life."
You said that it would
Now everything should
Be alright.

The kindness of strangers

I've been feeling a little blue. The reasons for this are not important right now, but what happened while I was feeling that way today is worthy of mention.

While the place I work is perfectly fine, people tend to keep to themselves. Other than the other person on my team, Michelle (thank God for her!), I don't really have anyone to talk to during the day. At times it feels a little lonely.

Today I've been feeling especially anxious and emotional, and it was so hard to coax myself out of bed this morning. I've burst into tears twice today at work. Michelle stopped by to let me know that a small reception had just let out, and that free for the taking were sandwiches, cookies, and pasta salad. This occasionally happens around here, and it's always a lovely treat. I hurried back to conference room where the food was located just in time to see someone picking up the last of it. Disappointed, I returned to my desk to continue working and to grumble about my bad luck.

Suddenly, the guy in the cube next to me stopped by my cube and introduced himself. I was a little surprised, as Michael's been my neighbor for 3 1/2 months now and we've never talked. (I'm shy! I'm horrible at introducing myself!) We chatted a few minutes, and he told me he'd gotten more food than he could eat leftover from the reception and would I like to share? I felt silly for feeling so grateful at the prospect of sharing someone's free lunch, but I gratefully accepted. He returned to his cube, got out his plate and fork, and created me a platter that was exactly half of everything he had: a roast beef sandwich, pesto pasta salad, and a peanut butter cookie.

I immediately teared up again, but they were good tears. I had my delicious lunch while I worked. I washed his dishes and returned them, and told him he'd really made my day better. He seemed a little surprised by this.

Sometimes it's the little things.

There's this weird little song that is apparently huge on the radio right now. When I first heard it, I was immediately annoyed. But somehow it's grown on me and makes me sad--like I've lost something I can't quite find.

It was not your fault, but mine
It was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I my dear?

Spectacle

There's so much passion and energy in our fighting, we could power a small city for the duration of the night.

On better

Somewhere along the way I lost the need to be better--to improve, to try, to embark on new personal projects. I can't seem to find that desire. I'm not sure how to get it back.

Marty Farty is in the building

A: Do you know the rhyme?

I: What? No.

A: Marty Farty had a party, all his friends were there. Tutti Frutti let a beauty and they all went out for air.

I: Tutti Frutti did what?

A: Let a beauty.

I: Lit a beauty? What? I don't understand.

A: Let. A. Beauty. Tutti Frutti farted.

I: Wait. Marty Farty had a party and someone else farted? That doesn't even make sense.

A: They were his friends.

I: I guess if you're going to fart that's the place to do it.

Ouch

Today just got a whole lot rougher.

'Cause you might get run over or you might get shot

Occasionally I have days that are like one giant existential crisis. Today is one of them. I get up with the alarm, I smear shampoo through my hair. I dutifully put on my security badge for work and march through the front doors. I spend my work day in a sort of survival mode: just getting through it, getting it done, putting in the time until I can leave. It’s not clear to me why there is so much anticipation about going home at the end of the day. There is dinner to be had and dishes to be done. I may or may not do those things. If I’m really good I spend time writing to or about someone. If I’m especially restless I turn on the TV and try to absorb one of the mind-numbing shows on there. I try to be strategic about giving myself things to look forward to: dinner and drinks with this friend, concert tickets with that friend, the occasional movie. A walk in the fog. But I can’t stop wondering, “Isn’t there more that this?”

I suppose I’m not asking anything that everyone else doesn’t wonder at some time or another. It’s just that for so long I had this feeling that I was meant for bigger and better things. When I was young that feeling was so strong I could almost TOUCH it. A part of me refuses to believe that measuring out my life with coffee spoons and paychecks is all there is to it.

I don’t mean to sound cynical. I’m actually not. I pay attention. I look for the little moments and relish any time I get with people I love. I try to keep the shit that doesn’t matter in perspective and not lose sight of the bigger stuff. I try not to lose my general sense of optimism and my naïve belief that good people get good things because they deserve them. It’s just that some days are a little harder than others, and today I am working extra hard.