February 12, 2011

A little blog of fury

I think I lost a friend today.

I was meeting some friends for lunch this afternoon. I waited at the restaurant, looking forward to spending some time with some of my favorite people. Three of them were running late. The one to arrive on time is someone I've considered for years to be a dear friend, and she was the very first person I met when I moved to San Francisco and desperately needed friends. It had been quite some time since I had seen her, and I was genuinely glad to glimpse her face in the bustle of people on the sidewalk walking toward me. She looked tired. I hugged her and joked, "You're the only one on time!" She didn't say much, and we went in the restaurant. We hadn't gotten to talk in person yet about the baby.

When we went inside, I sat down at a table. She stood next to it, looked down and me, and said, "What is wrong with you?"

I was totally caught off guard, and said, "Excuse me?"

She said, "What were you thinking? With this child?"

My heart dropped in my chest. I met her eyes and said, "You know, I am really happy about this, and if you're not I don't want to hear about it."

She said very simply, "Okay. Bye." She spun on her heel and left, never looking back. I sat at the table alone for the next half hour trying to fight back tears.

I am so fucking angry, and so fucking hurt. A couple of friends for whom I have left messages when I tried to tell them my news have never bothered responding. A few people have asked, "Do you know who the father is?" A couple have inquired, "Can you even afford to being doing this?" One suggested ever so fucking gently that I should have an abortion and that this is just not a good time.

Right now I would kill to be one of those married women who has picked out trendy nursery colors and is already on waiting lists for the very best schools. People shit rainbows upon hearing her news and practically trip over themselves congratulating her. Instead of asking private, invasive questions, questioning her decision, and advising she abort the baby (for her own good, of course) people tell her she is glowing and chuckle that she'd better enjoy her sleep now because she won't get another full night for years.

I thought that having a baby was a joyful time. At home I carefully plan recipes loaded with vitamins and minerals, giggle over adorable hand-made baby hats on Etsy, and wonder if my baby will have a full head of hair. I want so very desperately to share this.


Anonymous said...

Are you fucking kidding me??? You can not even imagine how angry this makes me. I'm too speechless to finish this.

I'm just me... said...

I am so sorry that people can be so hurtful and ignorant. Just remember that the only thing that is truely important is that this baby is wanted and loved very much. Remember that you do have friends that love you and are happy for you.

Anonymous said...

Trying to understand the reasoning of others is like beating your head on a brick wall sometimes. It is hard (believe me I know this first hand and I lost many friends when I became the "unwedded mother) but just know you are loved by soooo many and remember that I love you and your blueberry too!!!! ♥♥♥