Despite all the time that has gone by, I am still conscious of the 24th of each month, and I know I am the only one who is. It hurts to feel easily forgotten.
In spite of the way things played out, I know that had Paul and I moved to Spain when we were planning to, our time there would be coming to an end. It is terrifying that I was so ready to walk away from my entire life but, on the other hand, I always knew I would be. I can't say that I won't be again.
In spite of my fear I am once again hopeful. It is too early to tell if I am living in a fantasy again.
I turn off my alarm.
I think. I imagine.
I eat my breakfast.
I go to work.
I drink my coffee.
I wait. And count down.
I answer my emails.
I wait. I wonder what if...
I drive home in silence because my head is roaringly loud.
I greet my parrots.
I wait. Often not in vain. But I hate that I wait. It makes me feel powerless.