Today, between lunch and a 2:00 meeting, I went to a baby shower for a friend at work.
I always have such mixed emotions about these. On the one hand, I've never been to a baby shower for someone I didn't like or feel some sort of attachment to, so I am genuinely happy for the expecting mother and want to share in a little celebration in anticipation of her big day.
But there's a lot of things working against it, too.
One is a general dislike I have about opening and/or giving presents in public. I absolutely adore giving and receiving presents--don't get me wrong. But I like to do it individually. A private moment between two people where, no matter what the nature of the relationship, one can say, "I picked this just for YOU because I thought it would make you happy." There's something I can't stand about handing someone a present in front of a group of people waiting expectantly for this thing I have chosen and then evaluating against other opened and unopened presents. I feel...exposed. There is no special moment. No matter how much the recipient likes the present, there are other presents to be opened and that one is deposited in a pile along with all the others.
Even more strong is my dislike of receiving presents in a group setting when all attention is focused on me opening the presents and catching a glimpse of my facial expression that captures exactly how I feel about said presents at the moment I open them. I find it nearly impossible to mask my emotions as they flicker across my face and I spend the entire time in terrible anxiety of offending someone. Plus I'm just shy and hate having all the attention focused on me.
But I'm wandering away from the topic.
The second thing that bothers me about baby showers is that it always seems that a huge proportion of women who attend them are mothers already. I feel like there's some special cult of womanhood into which I have not been inducted and have no way to relate. Today, for example, the women attending this shower exchanged stories about their birthing experiences--most notably the length of delivery. One woman had been in labor for 24 hours. She announced this dramatically and murmurs of "Oh, my," and "I don't know how you did it," fell over the shower attendees munching on fresh fruit and cakes. Then there was a small contingent who'd had impressively speedy deliveries. One woman described her first birth and declared with pride, "I was 2 cm at 8am and by 10:45am he was born." She closed her eyes and sat back with satisfaction as we all "ooohed" and "ahhhhed" and took a moment of silence to contemplate the wonder of her uterus and vagina.
This is all well and good, but what the hell can I say to this?
(I won't even get started on all the CRAP people buy for infants. My distaste at the idea of receiving 50 outfits with little variations of puppies on them and a little baby bomber jacket is extreme.)
Similar scenarios have unfolded numerous times at work even outside of the more formal baby shower setting. On multiple occasions I was part of a group about to start a meeting and we took the first 20 minutes to discuss the logistics of breastfeeding and breast-pumping. I listened politely, but found myself exchanging meaningful looks and silent plans with the gay man and lesbian of the group. [Via telepathy and slight facial twitches and glimpses at watches: 'Drinks after work?' 'Yeah, 5:00?']
Just recently, this lesbian friend has joined the contingent of current and future motherhood. I have to say that I've been fascinated to hear of she and her partner's experiences. They get asked the usual questions of heterosexual mothers, plus a whole host of other ones. (e.g., "Was it, like, a turkey baster?")
I like hearing this new twist on familiar stories.
Alexis (pregnant) and Ilsa (not pregnant) joked about Alexis' moods and irrationality and hypersensitivity to smells. Apparently for a few weeks she couldn't stand to have Ilsa within two feet of her because Ilsa's natural smell repulsed her and turned her stomach. (My God!) They laughed about it and looked into each other's eyes with love and then continued to share their trials and tribulations. This part was wonderful.
I would also like to note that my stance on childbirth is not the most popular here in the Bay Area. I would want to give birth in a hospital, and I want all the drugs available to me as soon as they can possibly be given. So many women here are horrified by this. Maybe it sounds closed-minded or "Westernized," but I don't want any fooling around. Stories I've heard of special music and scented oils and candles and massages...screw all that. Get it OUT.
I feel I should add a couple of things here. I'm not trying to say that I dislike mothers and expectant mothers and want nothing to do with them. That's not the case at all. I just have a difficult time relating to them. I've changed a lot of diapers, made a lot of bottles, and stayed up a lot of late nights with other people's children (usually those of my mother). I'm not completely ignorant on the topic but obviously my experiences in no way compare to having children of one's own.
I also feel the need to add that I like kids. I find them interesting and amusing and amazing, and I don't mean any of this to sound like some staunch advocate of not having children sitting around and complaining about "breeders." I just felt the need to express the mixed emotions of today.
3 comments:
Well, I be a breeder, but even so I get squirmy and uncomfortable at baby showers. You know what they are celebrating? A few months before, the expectant mom and dad got down and dirty; they had sex. Yup. That's what's being celebrated. heehee.
It always struck me as funny.
Anyhow, from the motherhood side, I've never felt like I'm in some special club because I've had babies. I envy those of my friends who are still childless too regularly. *hugs*
Other than having a belly that looks around 10 months pregnant, there's not much I can relate to about childbirth either. Been there with Bethie's... been at fault for them too, come to think of it after reading her comment. But there's a special mystique that I (thankfully) will never know.
For what it's worth, I was on the record as saying "If she doesn't want the drugs, then I'll be needing them." Nothing wrong with a making the experience as pleasant as possible. Go you there.
Amie,
I am in strong agreement with WTF on this. Being a mother myself I have never felt like I was in a special club. I always feel too old or like i am no fun. I feel left out of the "we are single, childless and can do whatever we want whenever we want club."
There was no way in hell I was going to birth 2 babies naturally either. GIVE me the epidural and the other pain meds. I still was able to bask in the new tender feelings of holding that special little one for the first time, even though I was medicated. My god, my children were huge, there was NO WAY I could have popped them out au naturale with out killing someone!
I won't subject you to the stories of my youngins births now. Someday though if you ever do join the crazy "motherhood club", I will be more than happy to show you around, and tell you some stories...
:)
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