It was pointed out to me tonight that this blog is like the innermost workings of my brain without context. Perhaps.
Okay, yes.
But at this moment I need to pretend no one ever reads this and just...write. And, uh, listen to music under a fog-covered sky. And drink this Sierra Nevada. And wonder what the fuck that weird noise is. (Seriously. Scratching?)
"You ring your bell and smile at me; I drink from your well and fall down."
I find that I keep thinking about the girls who are in shampoo commercials. Girls who are secure and smiling and carefree. Their long tresses glisten as they toss their hair, knowing fantastic things are in store for them because their hair looks so good that night. There's not a trace of shyness, doubt, melancholy, hesitation, fear, or insecurity in them. And you are led to believe that good things DO happen to them.
I need to get some of that fucking shampoo.
I've mentioned this countless times, but here I go again...
I'm trying to collect myself and figure out where to go and what to do next. I know exactly what I'm doing until June 30, 2008, and beyond that it's...blank. Occasionally I am thrilled with that openness. Other times I am overwhelmed by that emptiness.
(It all depends on how I spin it. Kind of like "freedom fighters" vs. "terrorists.")
"Take it with the love that's given, take it with a pinch of salt..."
A friend told me a story of his parents recently that touched my heart deeply. His mom confided to him that on the weekends, she and his father lay in bed in the mornings and hold each other for hours because they know they won't always be able to do that. Grabbing it while they can, I guess.
"Your mom would stick a fork right into daddy's shoulder......and dad would dream of all the different ways to die...each one a little more than he would dare to trrrryyyyy...."
(Incidentally, my mom DID drink until she was no longer speaking and my (step)dad DID throw the garbage all across the floor.)
"Like an animal in your care...but give it time, you will outlive me..."
There's a blog I read frequently by a guy whom I just stumbled upon. I think I was doing a search for a song and he mentioned it in his blog and I found it that way. It's called "Everything is wrong with me" and he's says something like he's "28, bipolar, and hungry." In it he recounts his attempts to find a serious girlfriend, massive amounts of masturbation in an attempt to "inseminate his apartment," weird mental hang-ups, etc. It's mostly pretty amusing.
But I wonder: Is this what I'll be? Blogging about my thoughts and experiences and ridiculousness forever? I fantasize about a day when I will have no use for the blog, because my life is full enough. I imagine myself in that hypothetical future position thinking, "Remember those days when I used to blog all the time? Yeah, I think I wrote about a bunch of shit I was thinking and stuff. That was fun. But this is better."
"We drift in and out...sing into my mouth..."
"The images stuck in your head
People you've been before that you don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will..."
1 comment:
You seem to feel that writing in your blog takes the place of having a full and interesting life. While it is true that you want and need to have other outlets for your feelings, I think that you make a fundamental error when you dismiss your blog so lightly! You ability to express yourself is powerful, both for yourself and for your readers. Wherever your life takes you, you should not entirely abandom your writing!
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