Today was my grandpa's funeral.
Today I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder with panic disorder. This helps a lot of things that I have thought and done since childhood make a lot of sense.
I imagine I'll have a lot more to say about all of this soon, but for right now I'm still processing everything.
I'm relieved. I'm exhausted. I'm glad to have a name for whatever it is that's been happening to me in conjunction with depression, especially in the last couple of years. The times as a child that I spent obsessively counting things and the hours I spent rocking back and forth chanting to myself (as described here, for example) were early signs. Other things from the past few weeks that still feel a little too intense to talk about but I probably will try soon--those make sense, too.
I'm so relieved. I'm not a lost cause. I'm crazy, but at least now I know what kind of crazy I am.