February 3, 2009

A spreading warmth

I peed my pants today. I was at work. Actually, I wasn't AT work so much as I was beating on the doors and windows of my office suite desperately screaming while I was peeing my pants.

Let me back up.

My wonderful friend Shayna and I are starting to work out together. I'm doing a 5K in June, and I've been working on drinking more water. A LOT more water.

I got in the car at 6:45 am to drive to work (40 miles away) with a giant cup of coffee. Shortly after the drive began, I had to pee. Really, really had to pee. I figured I'd rather just continue driving to work than turn around, so I decided to stick it out and kept drinking my coffee.

When I finally arrived, I sped into the parking lot, grabbed my things, and raced to the office on the second floor.

I couldn't find my office keys.

No one else would be at work for a little while yet. I laid my bags in front of my office's front door and assured myself: "Someone will be here soon. I just need to walk around and think about other things and wait."

I paced.

I hummed.

I cawed at crows on nearby power lines, leaving them looking puzzled.

I watched the parking lot for co-workers.

It was working for awhile.

At last, our intern Mai pulled up. I started to shout excitedly, "Mai! Thank God!" She was going in the back door, and did not hear me. I sprinted down and caught the door, scaring the hell out of her and nearly causing her to drop her sticky rice and beans. (She's very soft spoken and easily startled.)

I burst into breathless explanation as I started toward the bathroom, but remembered my purse and briefcase and gym bag lying outside near the front door. Abruptly I changed courses and ran to get them, only to idiotically get locked out of the front door in my haste and lunacy. I screamed, "NNNNOOOOOO!" I pounded on the front door.

Mai didn't come.

I ran around to the back door and pounded on it.

Mai didn't come.

I went to the side door and banged my fistful of keys against it.

Mai didn't come.

I went to the exterior windows closest to her office and pounded on those, too. I started to pee, and beat on the windows more and more frantically with a wail: "MMMAAAAAIIII!!!"

It was too late. I was feeling that complicated feeling of relief and warmth and shame.

Mai poked her head out of the building with a face full of fright. "Oh, it's you!" she breathed. "I was so scared! I was in here all alone, and I didn't know who was beating on everything."

"But you knew I was here!" I protested weakly, trying to cover myself with my bags. I locked myself in the bathroom with my shower supplies and the change of clothes in my gym bag.

Immediately after my attempts to salvage my dignity, I went into the office kitchen to make some more coffee, and managed to pour a pot of water all over the counter.

Today is AWESOME.

2 comments:

I'm just me... said...

I am sorry, but this is the funniest thing I have heard all day. I really am sorry to laugh.

When I was preggo I peed my pants more times than I would like to admit. The best was when I was at my MIL's for dinner one night and got choked at the table. Before I could make it to the bathroom coughing I totally peed my pants in front of hubbs entire family. I borrowed a towel from the bathroom, slipped out the back door and went home.

Poor A! I feel your pain.

Billfrog said...

whether or not TODAY is awesome is debatable, but your woe (and the telling of it) certainly was!