February 10, 2008

On the drinking of milk

My rules for drinking milk have caused some confusion of late, and I thought I would clarify them.

I'm not weird or quirky or "interesting." I'm right.

1. Do not trust the expiration date on the container. Milk is funky at least 3 days prior to that date--probably more like 5 days. My nose can tell.

2. When opening milk you should hold it over the sink so that those little crusty, milky flakes that form around the lid don't end up in your glass, cereal bowl, etc.

3. Milk should only be drunk when it is very, very cold, which translates to drinking it within a minute or so of taking it out of the refrigerator. An exception can be made for the speed of cereal consumption, but it should still be done quickly.

4. The cloudy, milky residue and lip prints that are left on the side of the glass after taking a drink are gross. Therefore, every time you take a drink of milk you should turn the glass a couple of inches so you have a clean, residue-free side to drink from. If you run out of clean sides before the milk is gone, give it up. You're done.

5. Except for Oreo cookies, nothing should ever be dunked in milk. Even if it tastes good, the food chunks left floating in the milk are nauseating.

6. Milk should never, ever be drunk from a cereal bowl. Never EVER. Not only will you look like a Neanderthal doing so, but it violates the temperature and food chunk rules simultaneously.

You're welcome!