January 27, 2009

On connection, or lack thereof

Yesterday in the middle of my work day, I felt the need to express myself. I didn't know quite where to put what I needed to say, so I posted my words on Craigslist for whomever happened to stumble upon them to read. My post said:

I’m trying.

I’m trying to regroup and put a smile on my face and shrug and laugh it off. When people sweetly display righteous indignation and anger on my behalf (e.g., “What an ass!”), and when they offer words of support, comfort, and encouragement (e.g., “You don’t need him! You’re amazing and don’t you forget that for a minute!”), I laugh and thank them and put on a brave face. I pretend I’m wearing my big girl pants.

But the fact is I’m tired of being brave. And these pants never felt like they fit quite right anyway.

I have amazing friends and am building my career. I am busy and I have goals and I am going places. But sometimes I just need to be held.

I’m tired of feeling lonely.

I am tired of longing.

I’m tired of brushing myself off and working up the courage to try again.

Alright. So it's a bit of a forlorn message, but I just needed to say the words to SOMEONE. I was amazed by the responses I started getting.

Some people wrote to me to say, "Don't give up! Keep going!" Others wrote to say, "Me too." Many, many wrote to describe their own feelings and thoughts on the subject, from someone undergoing a male to female sex change and learning who her friends really are to someone who loves a girl that already has a boyfriend but continues to string him along.

Many men sent me their pictures and phone numbers, too.

It just seems a shame that--as many people as there are in the world and as many different kinds of people as there are in the world--anyone should feel lonely if they don't want to.

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