January 20, 2009

Voicemail transcript

Here's one of my favorite voicemails ever. It was left by S. The context is that I almost never check my voicemails and, knowing this, he sometimes leaves them just so I have to listen to them later.

S: BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. So this is one of the messages that you're not going to check for, like, five months and then you're going to be like: what the fuck is some sociopath doing...BEEPING...into my fuckin' voicemail? And, I don't know, I don't have an answer. I...I just wanted to do it. So, you know, your phone beeped at me, I beeped at your fuckin' phone. And, to be fair, it's not even your phone, it's your voicemail, which isn't even, like, really connected to your phone. It's, like, somewhere else in, like, some fuckin' satellite call center bullshit.

But um...I don't know exactly what it is...I wanted to see how you were and how your weird drink thing or whatever went on, shit, Saturday? Is that when it was? I don't...I don't know. All the days blend together when you're unemployed. It doesn't fuckin' matter...anymore...what day's what.

But, um....you know, I...I will...I will assume that we have talked since...in the time in which in between...I can't even fucking complete a sentence now...in the interim time in which, uh, I left this message and you've checked it because, once again, you won't check it for seven years. Um...I may be dead by then, I don't know. Who knows? Maybe. I'm not even sure.

This could be a very eerie and touching moment for you where you, like, cry because I have since passed on and you miss all the wonderful mix compilations cds that I made for you. Um...but, you know, who knows? Anything could happen. That's the point, I guess.

Um...so, I'm going to assume that you're doing well and that someday in the near future you'll call me back. And, um...I'm just gonna hang up the phone now so, you know....BOOSH...[hangs up]

No comments: