January 12, 2008

Fuck it. I'm putting it here.

(These things that we understand.)

I went to a birthday party last night for a dear friend. I really needed last night.

The truth is, I've been mentally stuck for the last couple of months. Stuck in a bad, bad way. I churned my way through anxiety, confusion, doubt, fear, disappointment, grief, and apathy...that horrible apathy. Long story short: I wasn't getting any better--only worse, in fact--so I elected to go back on antidepressants. It remains to be seen how this will go, but for now all I feel is relief. Relief and exhaustion.

It's funny how you don't realize how far away you were until you're making your way back.

I'd only confided this recent turn of events to a couple of people, but last night more than one person came up to me at the party and said, "Wow. You really seem like yourself again. I was kind of wondering there for awhile..." I was both pleased and embarrassed by these comments. Embarrassed because you think you mask things well, and it's a little mortifying to realize that you were spotted huddled in a dark corner, rocking yourself in fear behind your smile.

Something else interesting from last night: I took a ride on the back of my friend's scooter. I was a little nervous beforehand, because it's strange to put yourself so completely in someone else's hands. She gave me a little tutorial about balance and leaning. She said, "If you start to lose your balance, squeeze me with your knees. And when we're going up a hill, lean forward into me." So that's how we rode: exhilarated by the cold, leaning and moving together into the turns and up the hills.

1 comment:

nameless to protect the innocent said...

jeeeeeeeze, I coulda written this a year ago....

wishing you calmness and sleep