August 13, 2008

"Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

What's going on? Why do I feel so disconnected all of a sudden? I feel like I'm at the end of a long tunnel right now, and everyone else is all the way at the opposite end.

I dreamed I was furious.
I dreamed I was pregnant.
(They were not the same dream.)

Your face was buried in my neck. You woke up talking. You thought I was talking to you. You said, "What?"

In confusion, I said, "What?"

You said, "You told me to hold you back."

I answered, "No. You were dreaming."

And then there's you. You've been missing in action for so long; suddenly there is a sign of life. What brings these on? Perhaps it is boredom, but in the farthest reaches of my mind I hope it is something else.

You said you might never get me, because I was "out there" sometimes and that you were okay with that. I don't think I am.

You said there were a thousand ways you could spend your time, but that this is where you wanted to be; this is what you chose. Here is what no one understands: I have to be chosen every single day. Over and over again.

No one alive has the energy for that.

I learned so thoroughly to put up these invisible barriers that I can't even remember where they are anymore. I don't know where they are until I run into them. I just get up to speed and start moving around confidently and all of a sudden--fuck--that way's blocked. GodDAMN it. I can't access that, either.

If even I can't get through, how could anyone else hope to?

1 comment:

fatbastard said...

I love the comment about being chosen every day.